Monday, February 5, 2018

Still trying to process....

So many articles have been written since Dolores passed about how The Cranberries were the "Soundtrack to my teenage years". And for me she absolutely was, but she was also the soundtrack to my twenties and my thirties. Her music after the 90's didn't hit the same successful plateau, but that doesn't make it any less important to me. "Are You Listening?" to me is her best album and my all time favorite album of any artist.

In almost 23 years I don't think I have gone a single day without listening to one of Dolores' songs. But after she died... I couldn't listen to her voice. Her music has seen me though so many happy and sad times in my life, yet I just couldn't turn to it during this one. 

So, I set my phone's music player to random and decided I would see how I feel when one of her songs came up. I faithfully follow about 30 other artists and listen to them all the time. But since I have basically everything Dolores has every released it is very rare to go a couple hours without one of her songs coming on random. It was absurd... it didn't play a single Dolores song, not after a day, or two days.... or even a week. It was like there was some sort of greater force that  knew I wasn't ready....

Exactly one week later, the Monday after she passed, on my way to work, finally "Away" came on. The lyrics were more poignant than ever. "Turn away from me.", "Another world, wrapped up inside another day. And I hope and I pray that the pain goes away.".  I don't believe in religion but I do believe in a higher power guiding us and I believe this was the exact song I needed to hear at the exact moment I needed it.

I than spent the next week listening to all her albums in chronological order. I cried a whole bunch, I remembered going to her concerts and feverishly anticipating new albums. I was reminded of personal experiences and how my life has grown and changed along with her music. I thought about the friends who have come and gone from my life, with whom Dolores' music connected us. I thought about the loved ones who didn't quite get her music, and the feeling I got when I introduced them to that one song that they ended up loving.

For me, I don't think the pain will ever go away, I don't think it's meant to. We learn to cope and live our lives in spite of the pain. Dolores and her legacy of music will continue to be a major part of my life.


  1. we have the same feelings...its like a part of me was lost...its hard coz ive just lost both of my parents and now my idol...losing someone we love is really hard but only consolation is that they are in a happier place now, no more pain, misery, sorry, agony and so on...she is now an angel up there looking over the people who love and loved her...a very nice blog thank you so much for sharing how you feel!

    1. Thank you! I truly believe that she is in a better place.

  2. Feeling the same here. almost all my life has gone and unfortunately to me there is no god or higher thing. There's nothing. If only I could be wrong but I know I'm not. She's dead and that's the end, we will never see her again, nor here nor after. So painful. Only her legacy can provide some little happiness now.

    1. Honestly, I used to believe the same thing, I lost all faith in prayer and religion when I was a kid and the son of a close family friend died of a brain tumor at the age of 12. But I started to see signs of something else, now maybe it was my brain's subconscious way of dealing with a cruel world...but maybe not. Thank you for sharing, I respect your beliefs and hope you find solace in her music.

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  4. Hi there,
    I want to share with you something I wrote in several of her youtube videos (or bootlegs etc). I believe there are a couple of things that were not realy fair or inaccurate, but that is how I felt after her passing. At some point my wife told me that i was obsessed ( and I may or was), but i should say also that this is the very first time this happens to me... why? maybe because like you, she (and the group) touched my life so deeply and then because I realized she was an angel! I could see it in her videos, how she would look to the eyes to her fans, she was there for them!; she wouldn't ignore them and even be soooo patient with some.. Her message was clear: Money won't make people, live your life while you can; love your family; do NOT mistreat a child in any way and " I am human and may be wrong".

    This is what i posted in some of her videos..."So sad, I only Wish I could do something to help you rest in peace…the voice of a crestfallen Angel is gone.
    You were suffering and dying inside. In the end you were left alone, dying little by little, day by day until you reached the point of no return. The whole world is missing the dear Irish nightingale Dolores O'Riordan, the voice of a crestfallen Angel. The war is over sweet little angel, rest in peace…".

    Many of us miss her..I NEVER saw them live and my plan was to do it in a couple of years. Well, this is life; too young to die, don't take for granted anything!

    sad lesson I learned... kind regards...